I’m sure that most of you know that I have a son. I’m not going to get into how I ended up pregnant with him too much in this post, because that’s not the focus. I’m just going to say it took 2 months and zero struggle.
This post is going to be a hard one for me to write. It’s something that I’ve been wanting to talk about with you all for a while now. Since June, to be exact, because that’s when it hit the hardest. So trigger warnings to all. If you can’t handle where this is going, don’t continue reading. It’s going to be a struggle without a happy ending. Not yet, at least.
I had my son in July of 2015 and we decided a few months later that we wanted to try again for another baby so they were close in age. February of 2016, we decided to start trying.
Fast forward to May of 2019, aka over 3 years late, and we FINALLY get a positive pregnancy test. 3 years of wanting. 39 months of negative tests. We were to the point of giving up.
I was torn down to my lowest, or so I thought. I gave up on expecting it to happen. It wasn’t going to. Then it did.
My husband and I were so freaking happy that I can’t even put it into words. The one thing that we had wanted for so long and had been trying to achieve for so long had happened. We were pregnant. We were going to have another baby.
Fast forward to June, a week before my first appointment. My husband is working a day shift for training (we both normally work nights) and my boy was sleeping, so I took a nap. I wake up and there’s blood.
I call the doctor, my husband, and my mom to watch my boy. We go in and they do an ultrasound.
When they told me there was a heartbeat, I was so relieved. But we knew that there was a chance it wouldn’t last. The thing I’m most grateful for throughout all of this is the fact I got the ultrasound printed off.
Needless to say, we went back the following week on my originally scheduled appointment and found out that we lost it. between 6 and 7 weeks. Which wasn’t long, but that doesn’t take away any of the hurt.
I had planned to write this post now with the hopes that I would be pregnant again. I should have known better.
I have reached a point now again where I’ve accepted that it won’t be happening. We aren’t going to stop trying, but we are going to focus on us and our son. I’ve reconnected with my spiritual side and I’m accepting the fact that it will happen when it will happen. I have plenty to keep my mind off it, despite the fact my mind will never be off it.
I will never forget this experience and I still constantly think about “what if.” I can’t stop myself from doing so. I wouldn’t be writing this post in the same way if I was still going to have a baby in January. But I’m not.
I don’t wish this struggle upon anyone. I don’t want anyone to have to go through this loss. But I know that people have gone through this and worse. The depression still hits me. Just this past Saturday was a very low day for me. I didn’t want to leave my house. I didn’t want to even exist if we’re going to get down and honest.
I forced myself to get out of bed and do the things that I had to do. No. It didn’t make me feel better. But by the end of the day, I wasn’t as low as I was. And that’s because I spent time with friends and family. Not all of them know what happened. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t help.
Even people that haven’t gone through this can be helpful to your mood. But if you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to message me. I will try to make you feel better. I know that it won’t work, but sometimes even just talking about it can help and all I want is for you to be happier.
I don’t really know how well this post worked out. It probably went over better in my mind. Just know that you’re not alone. You are strong enough to get through this, even on your low days and you will have low days.
I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you for joining me. I’ll keep you all more up to date with everything as I progress through this.