I’m sure that most of you know that I have a son. I’m not going to get into how I ended up pregnant with him too much in this post, because that’s not the focus. I’m just going to say it took 2 months and zero struggle.

This post is going to be a hard one for me to write. It’s something that I’ve been wanting to talk about with you all for a while now. Since June, to be exact, because that’s when it hit the hardest. So trigger warnings to all. If you can’t handle where this is going, don’t continue reading. It’s going to be a struggle without a happy ending. Not yet, at least.

I had my son in July of 2015 and we decided a few months later that we wanted to try again for another baby so they were close in age. February of 2016, we decided to start trying.

Fast forward to May of 2019, aka over 3 years late, and we FINALLY get a positive pregnancy test. 3 years of wanting. 39 months of negative tests. We were to the point of giving up.

I was torn down to my lowest, or so I thought. I gave up on expecting it to happen. It wasn’t going to. Then it did.

My husband and I were so freaking happy that I can’t even put it into words. The one thing that we had wanted for so long and had been trying to achieve for so long had happened. We were pregnant. We were going to have another baby.

Fast forward to June, a week before my first appointment. My husband is working a day shift for training (we both normally work nights) and my boy was sleeping, so I took a nap. I wake up and there’s blood.

I call the doctor, my husband, and my mom to watch my boy. We go in and they do an ultrasound.

When they told me there was a heartbeat, I was so relieved. But we knew that there was a chance it wouldn’t last. The thing I’m most grateful for throughout all of this is the fact I got the ultrasound printed off.

Needless to say, we went back the following week on my originally scheduled appointment and found out that we lost it. between 6 and 7 weeks. Which wasn’t long, but that doesn’t take away any of the hurt.

I had planned to write this post now with the hopes that I would be pregnant again. I should have known better.

I have reached a point now again where I’ve accepted that it won’t be happening. We aren’t going to stop trying, but we are going to focus on us and our son. I’ve reconnected with my spiritual side and I’m accepting the fact that it will happen when it will happen. I have plenty to keep my mind off it, despite the fact my mind will never be off it.

I will never forget this experience and I still constantly think about “what if.” I can’t stop myself from doing so. I wouldn’t be writing this post in the same way if I was still going to have a baby in January. But I’m not.

I don’t wish this struggle upon anyone. I don’t want anyone to have to go through this loss. But I know that people have gone through this and worse. The depression still hits me. Just this past Saturday was a very low day for me. I didn’t want to leave my house. I didn’t want to even exist if we’re going to get down and honest.

I forced myself to get out of bed and do the things that I had to do. No. It didn’t make me feel better. But by the end of the day, I wasn’t as low as I was. And that’s because I spent time with friends and family. Not all of them know what happened. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t help.

Even people that haven’t gone through this can be helpful to your mood. But if you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to message me. I will try to make you feel better. I know that it won’t work, but sometimes even just talking about it can help and all I want is for you to be happier.

I don’t really know how well this post worked out. It probably went over better in my mind. Just know that you’re not alone. You are strong enough to get through this, even on your low days and you will have low days.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you for joining me. I’ll keep you all more up to date with everything as I progress through this.

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18 thoughts on “My Struggles With Infertility”

  2. First if I want to thank you for being brave enough to share something so personal and heartbreaking. Me and my husband have been trying for kids off and on for years. Honestly we have never done anything to prevent it from happening but so far it hasn’t for us. I don’t even know how many pregnancy tests I’ve taken that have been negative. Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up but if course I do and then I am instantly heart broken. I have never personally lost a pregnancy but I can imagine how you feel after trying for so long.

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    1. One of the hardest things is seeing the negatives each and every month. Feeling like this may be your month but then being disappointed. The one perk is saving money on protection 🤷🏼‍♀️ Gotta look on the bright side sometimes. So there’s that 😂 I do have my fingers crossed for you and I truly hope it happens soon for you and you have a healthy pregnancy ❤️

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story. I had a daughter (unplanned) when I was 19. I didn’t think I wanted more kids and my husband (married right before my daughter was 4) had a vasectomy young. He’s not the father of my daughter, but he has one, too (also unplanned). About a year after being married, we decided we wanted a child together. He went through a reversal and it didn’t work. He did another and this one did work. The results weren’t perfect, but it should have been ok. During this time, I found out I had PCOS. I went on fertility meds to help myself ovulate. We did IVF (with some major complications). All I had were some very early miscarriages (tested positive and then the test got lighter and lighter, chemical pregnancy). We tried for about 10 years. I went through so much depression. I knew I should have been happy that I had a child since not everyone can. But it was hard. We never ended up using protection and now we’re old enough that we don’t want any more kids. I admit that I still sometimes think about it and get sad. I hate seeing anyone go through this. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m hopeful that you will get to have another baby. If you ever need anything, I’m here. It takes a lot of strength to make a post like this. (((hugs)))

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    1. I honestly never thought I would be a part of the statistic. Getting pregnant with my son was so easy for us. But here I am. It truly can happen to anyone. Anyone can deal with infertility and miscarriage. Thank you for the comment. It means a lot to know that I have such a wonderful support system throughout all of this. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to share this. To show other people that they aren’t alone and that they have a support system as well who will always be there for them

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      2. Thank you so much! We have really good faith this month. I’ll know hopefully early next. Thankfully one of my favorite YouTubers who has been struggling with infertility just got her positive and I’m so happy for her! And there’s such faith with this one that I’m just so freaking happy for them.

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    1. Thank you, hun. I just felt like I needed to. It’s something that’s been weighing me down. I wasn’t really hiding it, but not having it out there for people to know and understand was bothering me. I want others to know they are not alone and I will be there to support them in anyway. Just like I hope they will support me.

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  6. I wish this story had a different outcome for you. Infertility is a cruel, cruel thing that nobody deserves to experience. I can relate to those down days you’re talking about. I’ve been going through IVF and have just started a blog, not only for my own benefit to ‘vent’ but also in hopes to help others who are going through male infertility, as this seems to be something that is really not talked about. Feel free to take a read if you wish
    myivfjourney.net
    xx

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